Sometimes when I come across a person who isn't easy to be around, my mind labels them as 'difficult'. Well, its true, they are. But are they difficult through choice? They may not even realise. For example, I have a friend who get on well with and who I love to bits, but I can't spend too much time with her because I end up exhausted with her negativity. No matter how I try to filter some positivity into our conversations, her negativity wins over. She has no idea she does this and as much as I'd like to tell her (well, screech at her if you MUST know) it wouldn't - a) have much affect, b) be fair to her.
Another example, in our local pub there's a guy who drinks in there who's nickname is Knobhead, purely because he talks what others perceive as total b*llocks. Sure, he does talk daft and has an opinion on everything whether he knows about it or not. He's not a bad person, therefore I think this is due to some form of insecurity. Somehow in the past, someone will have got the better of him in an unpleasant way. It may even go as far back as childhood. Maybe it's learned behaviour from his own father. Who knows. He probably has no idea himself.
I do by my own admission, suffer fools rather too gladly. I don't let people put on me but I can tolerate the 'nutter on the bus' for the short journey.
However, I've had some difficult bosses and managers in the past who have made my life absolute hell, and I'm sorry to say I never felt any compassion for them. The article below by J Elizabeth Young, makes interesting reading and made me think towards my regard for difficult people. I looked back on my experience with those bosses and I can see their insecurities. Despite that insight, I still don't feel much compassion.
The staff at the UK Passport Offices might need the advice below right now.
What's YOUR take on this?
Dealing with Difficult People: 5 Effective,
Compassionate Practices
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”
~Eckhart Tolle
It’s morning; you’re in a great mood. You’re relaxed and have plenty of
time to practice your morning routine. After a delicious breakfast
you head out to start your day. Then it happens: you encounter a difficult
person and your calm turns to calamity.
We all have encounters with people who prefer to stay miserable, making
everything difficult. They exist, and perhaps there was a time in your past
when you once where one of those negative people. Perhaps you still can be at
times.
As a former miserable person I know it was my inability to handle my
mental and emotional states that kept me oozing all over others. I felt so
disconnected from life, living obsessively in my mind, that I truly felt
helpless.
Most often that helplessness manifested into continuous critiquing,
judging, anger, and sometimes even pure rage. I was unwilling to take full
responsibility for my relationship to life. I wanted peace, joy, and harmony,
but I was unwilling to do the necessary work to experience them.
Difficult people are demanding. They demand something from the external
world in hopes of filling the disconnection and restlessness they feel within.
Whether they are demanding our attention, a certain action or reaction, or a
particular outcome, the root of their behavior is a demand for something other
than what is.
Difficult people haven’t yet learned to take responsibility for their
whole selves—mind, body, and spirit. Feeling disconnected and restless
gives rise to their need to argue, judge, critique, and tweak everyone around
them.
Their inability to handle themselves adds fuel to the fire, which
perpetuates their harshness.
Underneath their personality is a feeling of being separate and a desperate
plea for help. We can’t change another and we can’t make someone want to
change. The only way we can help is by being true to our self, finding our
power within, and being an example of wholeness.
Here are a few practices I’ve found useful, loving, and extremely
effective.
1. Be still and ground yourself.
Naturally, when we are confronted with a rude, irritable, or irate
person, we tend to avoid them. We think that if we avoid them they will go
away, or at least we hope they will. The truth is that, although this may
happen, it is much more likely that they won’t until we learn an alternate way
of dealing with them.
Negative energy has a force and it can knock us on our butt, usually in
the form of us engaging in toxic behavior. If we are not grounded, we may
find ourselves arguing, judging, or stomping out of the room.
Making sure we are firmly planted in our body enables us to look the
person in the eye and be completely present. It gives us the opportunity to
remain calm and pause rather than engage in behavior we may
later regret.
2. Look them directly in the eyes.
Darkness—negativity—can’t stand light and more, so it can’t remain in
the light. Looking someone directly in his or her eyes dispels darkness. Your
light pierces through the superficial persona to their being.
When I practice this tool one of two things always happens:
·
The person walks away or stops talking.
·
The conversation takes a more positive direction.
We all want to be seen, from the cashier at Target to our spouse. Taking
the time to look at someone offers them the greatest gift we have to offer:
connection.
Try it as an experiment and see what happens.
3. Listen to understand.
I find that whenever a difficult person confronts me, I
automatically tense up and mentally consider my defense. When I am calm and
open-minded, I know that I never have to defend myself, ever.
The most effective way to diffuse a difficult person is to truly listen
to what they are trying to say, which means keeping my mouth closed and hearing
them all the way through.
Whether or not I agree with them is irrelevant, and I certainly don’t
need to let them know what I think. I can listen and get back to them if
necessary such as with a spouse, co-worker or friend.
I find the following responses to be most effective:
“Let me get back to you on that.”
“You could be right.”
When a person is being difficult, it is because they are responding to
their perceived reality rather than what is going on in the moment. Often times
their frustration has very little to do with us.
I find when someone’s reaction seems over the top for the situation that
repeating the same response diffuses the situation.
4. Learn when to be silent.
Some people are extremely closed-minded and impossible to talk to, but
we need to speak to them. When I find myself in a situation with someone who
just can’t hear me in the moment, I don’t force the issue. Trying to get my
point across to someone that can’t hear me only escalates the situation.
Sometimes the clearest form of communication is silence.
At a later time I can revisit the conversation with the person and
communicate what needs to be said. Regardless of the person’s response, I can
share my feelings and thoughts and let go of the outcome. Focusing on them responding
a certain way only results in two difficult people unable to accept what is.
5. Be honest with yourself.
If we are repeatedly in a situation with someone who is abusive
verbally, physically, and/or emotionally, we must stop trying to change him or
her. If we find we are practicing a spiritual way of life and someone close to
us isn’t changing, it may be time to get honest with our self and find out what
is really going on.
The question of whether or not to end a relationship with a difficult
person, whether a friendship, work or romantic relationship, can only come from
within you.
If you can honestly say you have done what you know to do, have asked
for help from a friend or professionally and nothing is changing, then its time
to go within for the answer and trust what you find.
On the other side of a difficult person is an opportunity to grow.
No matter what we are presented with in life, we have an opportunity to
choose more or less responsibility. Remembering that true responsibility is our
ability to respond in the moment.
Of course, this takes practice and is not easy. However, as we take more and more responsibility for our life,
circumstances and people lose their power over us. We learn to choose our
responses moment by moment, no longer being dragged around by emotions,
thoughts, or circumstances created by another or our self.
J
Elizabeth Young is most importantly a student of The Art of
Living Inspired. Years of suffering ended when she discovered who she is. She
writes about her journey that led to the recognition of One. She produces and
co-hosts The Possible Podcast – To Achieve Things You Never Thought Possible
found in iTunes, Stitcher, and Zune.
